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Do You Have Expectations For Your Child?

March 22nd, 2015 Updated 4-22-2017

There are all kinds of studies to determine what the expectations of our children should be. I have one expectation of my daughter and that is to be happy. It comes with many hinges but if they’re all linked to her happiness we, as a family, need to work them all. I don’t want to have a predetermined idea about what would make her happy but I guess that I already do to some extent with The Rule of Human Need (On the Health and Happiness page). I believe this rule has to be complete through and through.

A good document to start with is “Setting Realistic Expectation“. (toggle slide bar at upper left hand corner)  On page 6 is a chart the “8 Stages of Psychological Development”, by Erik Erikson; a well respected name in psychology. Happiness certainly hinges to the appropriate parental behavior at a given stage. “Helping Children Be Their Best“, is another good article. It’s not quite as structured as Erikson’s chart.

Happiness is the goal for my daughter and I find my happiness in that. I was a little frustrated at how much unhappiness one has to endure to make for a happy future. I’ll always come back to chore time and homework time. It was hell but I knew when picking my battles these would have to be two of them. She could be the most stubborn little thing. She once had to do a chore. I remember she wouldn’t through away a piece of paper that was on the floor. I put her hand in my hand, carried her over to the piece of paper and picked it up with our hands and by  force. I walked us over to the garbage a though it away. I didn’t grasp her hand so tight as to hurt her in any way and when she realized that I was willing to do the whole room this way she gave in. Homework was similar. We both sit at the table with no television or computer until it was done. Some say not to get into a battle of wills with your children. I say be sure you win. Just pick a couple of things that you will not yield on. She does her homework and chore on autopilot today. Her good grades and doing her chores have become part of her identity.

I’ll follow that story with “8 Unrealistic Expectations Parent Have for Their Kids“. I expected that I could keep my daughter happy all the time. At least more of the time than I was successful with. I figured out that kids aren’t supposed to be happy all the time. When we start out we have much sadness to endure. We learn that we don’t set the boundaries on life, life sets the boundaries on us.  Happiness takes life’s lessons and temperament. Unhappiness should taper off as contentment broadens it’s self until contentment and happiness are one and the same. I’ve learned that I have to burst her bubble for her to have realistic expectations of happiness in the future. Cruel to be kind, in the right measure.

Our children will at some stages experience depression for seemingly no reason at all. They need to understand that we’ll be there for them and the depression will pass. Some adolescents will experience this more than others. My daughters was pretty bad and I kept asking myself and the lord “What am I doing wrong?” The answer was give her space to be angry and sad. With a little fear of jinxing myself I can say she’s come through it nicely. My ex-wife and I are reading a book we should have started a little earlier. I think all parents of teens could benefit from it. It’s called, “Get out of my life, but first could you drive me & Cheryl to the mall?”  Teen and Teenager Definition for Parents is another good article. Until next time, keep your homes well.

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